A sermon by Rev. Dr. John K. Luoma
Loneliness
is the cause of a lot of problems-physical, social and psychological. As
scripture reminds us today: "It is not good for a person to be alone."
(Genesis 2:18-24) Knowing this to be the case, it is kind of scary that
researchers are predicting an epidemic of loneliness in the new millennium.
More people than ever are going to suffer the effects of loneliness. (Kerby
Anderson, "Loneliness", Probe Ministries, 1993)
What are the factors causing this? Kerby Anderson talks about the three "D's". The first D is death. Deaths, especially among the Baby Boom population, are going to create more widows and widowers than ever before. The second D is divorce. More and more loneliness is being created because we are getting divorced earlier and more often than ever before. The third D is deferred marriage. We are getting married at a later age and living alone for a longer period of time.
Anderson goes on to talk about three other factors that are making for increased loneliness. The first factor is that we are an extremely mobile society. The average American moves fourteen times in his or her lifetime. How do you form and maintain relationships when you move that often? A significant number of people just give up trying. A second factor is our work schedules. Not only are people working more; they are working varied schedules caused by business that runs around the clock. These schedules isolate us from our families and inhibit relationships. A third factor is "living together loneliness." Many people are afraid of commitment. Instead of marrying, they cohabitate. Over a million couples are currently living together. These arrangements are not the stuff marriages are made of. Partners in these relationships live in fear of abandonment and rightfully so, because the arrangements dissolve with alarming frequency. The satisfaction in these relationships is less than that of marriage, and the pain of dissolution is nearly as bad.
All these factors are pushing us toward a crisis of loneliness. Whereas in the 1950s 1 of 10 households was made up of just a single person, and whereas in the 1970s 1 in 4 households was made up of a single person, in the new millennium 1 of 3 households will be made up of just a single person.
What is the solution to the problem? Well, certainly the primary way of dealing with the problems is marriage. God says about Adam, "I will make him a helper as his partner." (Genesis 2:18) For all the difficulties we have with it, marriage is still the primary means of dealing with the problem of loneliness. And as Jesus says in the our Gospel, the problem is not with the institution of marriage. The problem is with the people who are married, i.e. our "hardness of heart," i.e. our self-centeredness and selfishness.
I like what the Lutheran writer, Walter Wangerin, has to say about this. He says that all a wedding does is set the terms of the relationship. And the terms of the relationship are that we are to be helpers and servants of each other. Another author puts it this way: a marriage license is a learner's permit. It is not an invitation to selfishness. It is an invitation to die to our self and live for our partner. Only as we do this do we find help for our loneliness.
Dr. Willard Harley, a Massachusetts psychologist who has surveyed the basic needs of men and women, says that this means dedicating ourselves to fulfilling the basic needs of our partner. The problem is that the husband assumes that his basic needs are the needs of his wife and the wife assumes that her basic needs are the needs of her husband. That is not true. The top five needs of women are: affection, communication, openness/honesty, financial support and family commitment. The top five needs of men are : sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, an attractive wife, domestic support, and admiration. When we mutually dedicate ourselves to these needs, we begin to solve the problem of loneliness.
But marriage isn't the sole solution to the problem. Even those married need the support of friends. And as sad as it is, some people will never find a mate. And many who are married will see their mate die and will not find another or do not desire to find another. Nevertheless, we all have the ongoing need for companions. And that's why I think God's statement in Genesis is not just a word about marriage, it is a word that applies to all of us. It is not good to be alone. We all have a basic need for companionship. That's what it means to be human. We are meant to live in community, and we die when we have to live in isolation.
How can we fulfill this basic need? We look to our families. We cultivate our relationships with our brothers and sisters and relatives. When this is not possible, we need to create support groups for ourselves that are like families. This is one of the ways that the church can function. We can do it by developing a ministry for ourselves and finding a place to serve. As we do this, we create supportive relationships with others. We can do it by seeking spiritual growth. This is why Via de Cristo weekends are so significant: We not only draw near to God through these spiritual renewal weekends, we draw nearer to each other.
And we men have to pay special attention to building these support structures for ourselves because loneliness is a special problem for us. Women do a much better job of coping with loneliness than we do. In his book, The Hazards of Being Male, Herb Goldberg points out that six characteristics of men block us from getting the friendship that we need. First, we have an aversion to showing emotion. How do you form a relationship if you never show emotion? Second, we have trouble participating in fellowship. We will get together for an activity, but rarely do we get together just to enjoy each other's fellowship. Third, we wear the mask of independence and strength. How do you draw close to anyone if you are always pretending that you don't need anyone? Fourth, we think that asking for help is a sign of weakness. How do you draw close if you don't depend on anyone? Fifth, we have incorrect priorities. We think physical things are more important than relationships. We judge our success by our wealth instead of friendship. Six, we compete too much, and competition is frequently a barrier to friendship. To defeat loneliness as men we need to work hard to overcome these factors.
Now, having said all these negative things about loneliness, it is important to say something positive. When God says that it is not good to be alone, he isn't just talking about human companionship. He is talking about our need for a relationship with him. Certainly human companions help us overcome loneliness, but it is not enough. There is an emptiness inside us that can only be filled by God. As St. Augustine says, "Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in thee."
So, loneliness, above all, is an invitation to develop a relationship with God. It is an invitation to study the Bible where we learn about God. It is an invitation to prayer where we have a personal conversation with God. It is an invitation to meditate where we give God the opportunity to speak to us. As one writer reminds us, it is usually in these moments alone with God that we receive special words and special visions.
Certainly there is an impending crisis of loneliness. But we need to
ask ourselves this question: is this crisis a problem or an opportunity?
Certainly it is a crisis in that loneliness can make us sick in a number
of ways. But it is also a great opportunity, especially for the church.
We can offer the gift of the greatest companion who is God, and we can show
people how to develop a relationship with God. We can offer ourselves as
companions and create the kind of support groups that people need. We can
work hard to strengthen marriages and families. We can be family to those
who have none.
Copyright 2000 by Rev. Dr. John K. Luoma